Writing
STOP SNAPCHAT FROM EATING ALL YOUR DATA
If you have unlimited data, this article is not for you. Stop reading now and go frolic in the gigabytes, you lucky bastard. For the rest of us: Snapchat eats a lot of data. Like, a lot. Even if you’re vigilant about jumping on Wi-Fi whenever possible, it’s easy to rack up data overage charges every billing cycle. Here are two easy tricks that’ll help dial back Snapchat’s data-guzzling in those instances when Wi-Fi just isn’t available.
AMERICAN CHEESE IS BAD CHEESE: AN UNPOPULAR OPINION
It has come to my attention that many people enjoy cheeseburgers made with American cheese. I believe this is not only appalling, but also wrong. It is my conviction that American cheese is, if not The Worst Cheese for Cheeseburgers, a Very Bad one. Furthermore, if you believe otherwise, I consider you a craven, tasteless creature full of homogenized wretchedness and latent lactose shame.
INSIDE THE RUMORED AB INBEV/SABMILLER MERGER
If it sounds like a big deal, that’s because it IS a big deal. Though this colossal brew union — which would unite longtime rival brands like Budweiser, Coors Light, and Miller Light in one global stable — is far from consummated, I called Paul Gatza, director of the Brewers Association and all-around beer industry expert, to ask him what an acquisition of this magnitude would mean if it happened.
THE BASIC BRO’S GUIDE TO FALL DATING
Hello, basic bros! It’s fall: the season of gourds shaped like dicks, and also cute-ass dates. To help you cultivate love during this amorous annual moment, we present you with this Basic Bro’s Guide to Fall Dating: a handy collection of tips, hacks, and ideas to get the very most rustic, cozy, pumpkin-spiced eroticism out of autumn as humanly possible.
‘BATTLE HYMN OF THE DIGITAL PUBLISHER’: A MEDIA EPIC IN VERSE
Does the fruit hang low? / How’s it look re: SEO? / Can you roll it up into a list, / So harried readers get the gist? / Will the juice be worth the squeeze? / Can we templatize with ease? / If the partners want a taste, / Can we syndicate with haste?
“THE PUSSY POSSE”: THE BEST THING EVER PUBLISHED ABOUT LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Google “Leonardo DiCaprio” right now, and approximately 146,000,000 results will come hurtling back at you. And 145,999,999 of those are utter and complete shit. There is only one important article about the prolific American actor, but because it’s not a new item, it eludes even the sharpest celebrity gossip algorithms. Nevertheless, this piece — “Leo, Prince of the City,” written by Nancy Jo Sales in 1998 for New York Magazine — is the single greatest thing anyone has ever published about Leonardo DiCaprio.
IN DEFENSE OF NEW JERSEY, THE BEST “BAD” STATE IN THE COUNTRY
Let’s start with what you’ve heard: New Jersey is a coastal shitfield of garbage and hair gel that shields New York City from the rest of the country. Sound about right? You can admit it. It won’t hurt my feelings. I know that New Jersey is famous for grungy, over-industrialized highway corridors, loud people in expensive T-shirts, and a statewide prohibition on self-serve gas stations. The Garden State, as it’s optimistically called on postage stamps & license plates, is more colloquially referred to as “The Armpit of America,” and “JOISEY.” It’s a time-honored American tradition to take a steamy dump on New Jersey’s reputation/chest.
AN ODE TO THE NEW YORK ROOFTOP
New York rooftop, you are everything. You are, simply, number one: the first kiss of summer. The first outdoor drink. That first moment I realize I’m too hot instead of too cold. You are the first day of the year that I chuckle at NYC’s bipolar climate; I share that chuckle with you.
A BEGRUDGING DEFENSE OF THE BOUNCER
When it comes to the all-holy, booze-soaked universe of the American bar, there is one distinction that matters above all others. Are you inside the bar, knocking back shots, rocking the jukebox, and maybe playing a spirited game of fun-tongue with an attractive stranger? Or are you outside, in line, under-liquored, and plainly unloved? It all comes down to which side of the door you’re on. A bar’s door is the threshold between the harsh world outside and the lush paradise within; between you and alcohol; between the person you are, and the person you want to be.
ASK A COOL TEEN™: HOW TO DATE GOOD
Dating is confusing no matter what age you are. But there used to be rules to the romance, man. Wait three days before calling back. Don’t overspend on the birthday gift. Only round third base if you’re serious. But for Cool Teens™ growing up in a world where Tinder is the norm and awkwardly introducing yourself to your crush’s mom when she picks up the family’s landline phone is a thing of the past, the courtship game has changed. We asked verified Cool Teens™ from around the country to tell us what it’s like to chase love these days.
TINDER LOST ITS SHIT OVER THAT ‘VANITY FAIR’ STORY
Yesterday, as millions of its users swiped left and right ’round the world, the mobile match-making monolith Tinder took to its Twitter account. This is not, itself, bad news; #brands use Twitter to #engage all the time. But what burst forth from the dating app’s verified Twitter handle was hardly garden-variety, on-message micro-content. No, no. What burst forth was 30 consecutive tweets responding to a piece in the September issue of Vanity Fair called “Tinder and The Dawn of The Dating Apocalypse.”
THE 7 CIRCLES OF BRUNCH HELL
I love brunch. We love brunch. Combining breakfast and lunch into a cheesy, greasy, boozy weekend debauch is a brilliant idea, both in theory and in practice. This is an undeniable truth, and anyone who says otherwise is a largish fool. Lowercase-b brunch is heaven. But that’s not the only brunch there is.
