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20 YEARS AFTER ITS RELEASE, I’M STILL AFRAID TO WATCH KIDS

When you’re depressed, you think about laying down a lot. Constantly, actually. Get close to a couch, and every part of your brain is suddenly convinced that everything would be better if you’d just sprawl out. That’s what ‘Kids’ did to me.

 
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THE WORLD’S 2 BIGGEST BEER COMPANIES ARE MERGING. HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTTS.

What does ABI buying SABMiller mean for choice, price, and the fate of craft beer?

 
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AN ODE TO THE FINANCIAL DISTRICT, NYC’S MOST UNDERRATED NEIGHBORHOOD

Have you been to the Financial District lately?

 
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THE POLITICS OF SPLITTING THE CHECK ON A FIRST DATE

Earning money is hard. Dating is hard. Deciding when, how, and on whom to spend your money on a first date? Also hard, people!

 
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THE MOST SEXIST NAMES & LABELS IN CRAFT BEER

Heteronormative sex sells, and for a long time, it’s been used to sell beer to men.

 
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HALLOWEEN IS A BUNCH OF WARMED-OVER DOGSHIT: AN OPINION

Fuck Halloween. Fuck it right in its jack-o’-lantern teeth. Let’s discuss.

 
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OBLIGATORY GROWN-UP PARTIES, RANKED BY HOW MUCH THEY SUCK

Grown-up parties can get pretty bleak, and these are the 13 bleakest of them all. We’ve ranked them for suckery from “nearly tolerable” to “dying cannot be worse than this,” just so you know what you’re up against.

 
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STOP SNAPCHAT FROM EATING ALL YOUR DATA

If you have unlimited data, this article is not for you. Stop reading now and go frolic in the gigabytes, you lucky bastard. For the rest of us: Snapchat eats a lot of data. Like, a lot. Even if you’re vigilant about jumping on Wi-Fi whenever possible, it’s easy to rack up data overage charges every billing cycle. Here are two easy tricks that’ll help dial back Snapchat’s data-guzzling in those instances when Wi-Fi just isn’t available.

 
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THE HIPSTER IS DEAD, AND YOU MIGHT NOT LIKE WHO COMES NEXT

Young Urban Creatives: a slice of Generation Y infected by the conviction that not only do we deserve to pursue our dreams; we should profit from them.

 
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TOM COLICCHIO JOINS THE NO-TIPPING MOVEMENT

The Top Chef head honcho’s NYC flagship is just the latest establishment to join the growing ranks of US restaurants that have elected an alternative pay structure to our country’s confounding gratuity system.

 
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AMERICAN CHEESE IS BAD CHEESE: AN UNPOPULAR OPINION

It has come to my attention that many people enjoy cheeseburgers made with American cheese. I believe this is not only appalling, but also wrong. It is my conviction that American cheese is, if not The Worst Cheese for Cheeseburgers, a Very Bad one. Furthermore, if you believe otherwise, I consider you a craven, tasteless creature full of homogenized wretchedness and latent lactose shame.

 
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THE HIDDEN COST OF CHEAP THINGS

No, I decided with gumption. I wouldn’t take the easy way out. I would build a kitchen table myself.

 
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INSIDE THE RUMORED AB INBEV/SABMILLER MERGER

If it sounds like a big deal, that’s because it IS a big deal. Though this colossal brew union — which would unite longtime rival brands like Budweiser, Coors Light, and Miller Light in one global stable — is far from consummated, I called Paul Gatza, director of the Brewers Association and all-around beer industry expert, to ask him what an acquisition of this magnitude would mean if it happened.

 
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5 HARBINGERS OF CRAFT BEER’S IMPENDING CIVIL WAR

An on-the-fly report on the flurry of craft beer acquisition & merger news in Fall 2015, pegged to the early October announcement of Dogfish Head’s 15% sell-off to a private equity firm.

 
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THE BASIC BRO’S GUIDE TO FALL DATING

Hello, basic bros! It’s fall: the season of gourds shaped like dicks, and also cute-ass dates. To help you cultivate love during this amorous annual moment, we present you with this Basic Bro’s Guide to Fall Dating: a handy collection of tips, hacks, and ideas to get the very most rustic, cozy, pumpkin-spiced eroticism out of autumn as humanly possible.

 
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‘BATTLE HYMN OF THE DIGITAL PUBLISHER': A MEDIA EPIC IN VERSE

Does the fruit hang low? / How’s it look re: SEO? / Can you roll it up into a list, / So harried readers get the gist? / Will the juice be worth the squeeze? / Can we templatize with ease? / If the partners want a taste, / Can we syndicate with haste?

 
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INSIDE THE FLEETING WORLD OF SNAPCHAT COMEDY

Outlet: Kernel Magazine How do you laugh online? It’s a weird thought, right? You don’t laugh online; you laugh in real life (IRL), then convey your laughter by typing in …

 
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WHY BIKING IN NYC (STILL) SUCKS

In 2014, Bicycling Magazine named New York the country’s best city for biking. It makes a lot of sense. That year, 3,982 bikers were injured on the streets, and 20 were killed — almost double 2013, when a mere dozen died.

 
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OMG SARAH, DON’T YOU JUST LOVE FALL?!

Heyyy girl, what is UP? Feel like I haven’t seen you in forever! I’m sure your summer has been super-busy — I’ve been stalking you on Insta! You and Brian took like, all my bucket list trips this year! JELLY. Love, love, love it.

 
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“THE PUSSY POSSE”: THE BEST THING EVER PUBLISHED ABOUT LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Google “Leonardo DiCaprio” right now, and approximately 146,000,000 results will come hurtling back at you. And 145,999,999 of those are utter and complete shit. There is only one important article about the prolific American actor, but because it’s not a new item, it eludes even the sharpest celebrity gossip algorithms. Nevertheless, this piece — “Leo, Prince of the City,” written by Nancy Jo Sales in 1998 for New York Magazine — is the single greatest thing anyone has ever published about Leonardo DiCaprio.

 
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WHAT I MISS MOST: SUBURBAN SUPERMARKET AISLES

I got homesick in the narrow-ass soup aisle of a Key Food in Williamsburg five years ago.

 
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IN DEFENSE OF NEW JERSEY, THE BEST “BAD” STATE IN THE COUNTRY

Let’s start with what you’ve heard: New Jersey is a coastal shitfield of garbage and hair gel that shields New York City from the rest of the country. Sound about right? You can admit it. It won’t hurt my feelings. I know that New Jersey is famous for grungy, over-industrialized highway corridors, loud people in expensive T-shirts, and a statewide prohibition on self-serve gas stations. The Garden State, as it’s optimistically called on postage stamps & license plates, is more colloquially referred to as “The Armpit of America,” and “JOISEY.” It’s a time-honored American tradition to take a steamy dump on New Jersey’s reputation/chest.

 
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AN ODE TO THE NEW YORK ROOFTOP

New York rooftop, you are everything. You are, simply, number one: the first kiss of summer. The first outdoor drink. That first moment I realize I’m too hot instead of too cold. You are the first day of the year that I chuckle at NYC’s bipolar climate; I share that chuckle with you.

 
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A BEGRUDGING DEFENSE OF THE BOUNCER

When it comes to the all-holy, booze-soaked universe of the American bar, there is one distinction that matters above all others. Are you inside the bar, knocking back shots, rocking the jukebox, and maybe playing a spirited game of fun-tongue with an attractive stranger? Or are you outside, in line, under-liquored, and plainly unloved? It all comes down to which side of the door you’re on. A bar’s door is the threshold between the harsh world outside and the lush paradise within; between you and alcohol; between the person you are, and the person you want to be.

 
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ASK A COOL TEEN™: HOW TO DATE GOOD

Dating is confusing no matter what age you are. But there used to be rules to the romance, man. Wait three days before calling back. Don’t overspend on the birthday gift. Only round third base if you’re serious. But for Cool Teens™ growing up in a world where Tinder is the norm and awkwardly introducing yourself to your crush’s mom when she picks up the family’s landline phone is a thing of the past, the courtship game has changed. We asked verified Cool Teens™ from around the country to tell us what it’s like to chase love these days.

 
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TINDER LOST ITS SHIT OVER THAT ‘VANITY FAIR’ STORY

Yesterday, as millions of its users swiped left and right ’round the world, the mobile match-making monolith Tinder took to its Twitter account. This is not, itself, bad news; #brands use Twitter to #engage all the time. But what burst forth from the dating app’s verified Twitter handle was hardly garden-variety, on-message micro-content. No, no. What burst forth was 30 consecutive tweets responding to a piece in the September issue of Vanity Fair called “Tinder and The Dawn of The Dating Apocalypse.”

 
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THE 7 CIRCLES OF BRUNCH HELL

I love brunch. We love brunch. Combining breakfast and lunch into a cheesy, greasy, boozy weekend debauch is a brilliant idea, both in theory and in practice. This is an undeniable truth, and anyone who says otherwise is a largish fool. Lowercase-b brunch is heaven. But that’s not the only brunch there is.

 
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GRANDPA’S SNAPCHAT CHRISTMAS: A STORY OF THE MODERN SPREAD-OUT FAMILY

With a Samsung Galaxy and a messaging app, this 77 year-old solved a riddle of a billion-dollar business and reconnected with his grandson.

 
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DON’T MOVE TO NEW YORK CITY

“If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.” Does this phrase stir youthful ambition in your chest? Then don’t move to New York City, because it’s a …

 
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A CROCK-POT DESTROYED MY MARRIAGE

One man’s low-and-slow descent into the heart of darkness.

 
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AMERICAN BEERS OF YESTERYEAR: 23 OLD-SCHOOL BREWS YOUR PARENTS DRANK

In this great future, we can’t forget our past, so I looked back on the near-forgotten dark ages of American beer — before craft beer, green-bottle imports, or even nationally distributed light lagers.

 
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WHY I HATE SOMETHING YOU PROBABLY LOVE: IPAS

I’ve never told anyone this before, for fear of being set upon by homebrewers, hopheads, and frat bros that’ve been totally numbed to reason by high-ABV swill. But I feel …

 
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BEER PONG: THE LIVING HISTORY OF AMERICA’S GAME

There are surely many things that’ll get your ass kicked in a basement in Hanover, New Hampshire, but nothing will put it at risk so swiftly as throwing a ping-pong ball.

 
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A HEARTBREAKING WORK OF SWAGGERING GENIUS

You threw a punch at a homeless guy today. The air was cold and you sort of missed and it didn’t hurt as much as you thought it was going to, but as your fist glanced off his collarbone you realized dude wasn’t even trying to protect himself.

 
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TRANSPLANTS ARE NEW YORKERS, TOO

Were you born in NYC? Have you lived here your entire life? Do you wander through comment sections of websites like this one, swinging your Five Borough birthright like a …

 
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THE STUMBLR

The bartender looks like this part-time guy from Freeman’s that I used to party with, but it’s not him. What was that guy’s name? When the bartender finally glances towards …

 
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I BECAME A SNAPCHAT CELEBRITY BY CATCALLING FIRE HYDRANTS

Most mornings, I take a photo of a fire hydrant. It can be any fire hydrant—the one outside my apartment in Brooklyn is a frequent subject—but in my travels, I’ve …

 
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BAR FIGHT: WHY CRAFT BREWING IS ABOUT TO GO TO WAR WITH ITSELF

There’s been talk over the last year of a craft beer bubble, fueled by the meteoric rise of the American craft movement in the 21st century. But the growth we’re …